Are you wondering if you are in a codependent relationship? If so, you're not alone. One of the tell-tell signs of codependency is a tendency to be a people pleaser while assuming responsibility for the other person's emotions. As their emotions go up and down so does your peace of mind. You may feel that you are constantly "walking on eggshells". Would that be you? Or both you and your partner? This blog post explores how to identify if you are in a codependent relationship and how to break free.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional relationship pattern that involves each partner in a relationship becoming overly reliant on the other for feeling good. Feeling bad is intolerable and results in resentment, anger, and some form of emotional even physical retaliation.
Codependent partners feel trapped, ashamed, and angry. Common behaviors in codependency are:
people-pleasing
passive aggressiveness
manipulation
control
inability to express one's own needs and wants
resentment and punitive anger
intolerance for the partner's negative emotions
high capacity for personal emotional pain
addictions (substances, food, sex, gaming)
trying to "change" the other person
constant effort to "fix" the relationship
In codependent relationships, one partner will often try to satisfy their own need for validation by appeasing the other partner. This can manifest in the form of excessive generosity or trying to take on the problems of the partner. There is a need to carry the responsibility for both, to "fix", or "change" the other person for the best. This type of relationship dynamic can become a love-hate cycle that's difficult to break.
What are the signs you may be in a codependent relationship?
It takes a while to recognize the signs of being in a codependent relationship. It is common to deny the reality of the situation and intensify efforts to control the situation. You may feel like you are always putting your partner's needs ahead of yours but for your partner, nothing is ever enough so you try harder. A passive-aggressive partner may use gaslighting, guilt trips, silent treatment, and passive resistance to protest or punish you because you are "making them feel unhappy". This can leave you feeling angry, helpless, and confused. You may try harder still.
The constant fear of upsetting your partner can lead to an inability to express yourself and an ever-growing feeling of frustration and resentment. It is important to take the time to understand your feelings and the reality of the situation to take steps towards freeing yourself by breaking the cycle of codependency.
Why is it difficult to leave a codependent relationship?
Leaving a codependent relationship is extremely difficult because of the guilt, shame, and confusion over time. It can be hard to recognize who is responsible for all the bad feelings both partners experience. People-pleasing, anger issues, and tolerance for suffering can become the norm. People who are in codependent relationships can start to feel like they are doing something or everything wrong because they become trapped in the toxic dynamics of the relationship. As a result, eventually, both partners become manipulative often without even realizing it. This can make it difficult to break out of the cycle as it can be hard to let go of anger, identify what one wants, and make positive changes.
How can you start to heal from a codependent relationship?
If you are in a codependent relationship you are caught in a cycle of people-pleasing and resentful anger. The inability to feel or express intense emotions makes it hard to communicate clearly. Feeling upset and confused makes it hard to see that you have the power to make changes.
The first step to start healing from a codependent relationship is to recognize that you are not responsible for your partner's behavior but you are responsible for your behavior.
Next, it is important to learn how to deal with your anger towards your partner and yourself. Recognizing this anger can be difficult, but it is necessary to move forward. If you need to, talk to a therapist or find a support group to help you identify and manage your feelings.
In addition, you have to learn to let go. Letting go of the shame for making mistakes can be freeing. Letting go of the need to be perfect. It is important to recognize that some relationships don't work out the way we imagined they would. No one is perfect and mistakes are part of life. Accepting mistakes and learning from them is key to healing from a codependent relationship.
Another way to start healing from a codependent relationship is to practice self-care. Make sure that you are taking time for yourself. Learn to acknowledge what you feel, what you think, and what you need. Allow yourself to do things that help you feel comforted. Meditation can be helpful as it helps center yourself and focus on positive thoughts and feelings.
Finally, it is essential to relate to your emotions healthily. Rather than ignoring them sit with your emotions, and slowly allow yourself to tolerate them especially if they are intense or negative. Talking to a therapist can help you learn how to approach intense emotions.
Healing from a codependent relationship takes time and patience, but it is possible. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as you go through the process of recovery.